HOW ABOUT 90'S?

90's - far away so close, when some of us graduated from university, doubting about our future and identity like Hamlet's "to be or not to be": to be Yuppies, to be one of the “ME” generation or the grunge? Pro-life or pro-choice? Bush or Clinton?

It was when Macau policemen studied at the new wing of University of East Asia and we teased them for pretending to be “Top Gun” guys while Tom Cruise strived to prove his talent in “Born on the Fourth of July”. “Retired” Leslie Chueng returned and seduced Maggie Cheung in “Days of Being Wild”, saying he was a little bird without feet which had to keep flying. “Monica” was not his hit song but the intern having an affair with Bill Clinton!

We got our first jobs. We switched from jobs to jobs, pagers to mobile phones, cameras to digital models, bars/pubs to Taiwanese tea houses. We had several email addresses plus icq numbers. Telecommunication gave us a big hand and also kept us at arm's length; CD was too expensive, comparing with black plastic record and fake CD was a God's gift. Young men sang "That's Why You Go Away” and young women tried “Big Big World” in Karaoke.

We watched Japanese VCD, comparing “Long Vacation” with “Love Generation”. We watched how fairy tale ended when Princess Diana spoke about her broken marriage. Then She got a medal of “legend”, joining the queue of Wong Kar Cui and Kurt Cobain while Elton John sang “Candle in The Wind”. We watched how Madonna and Faye Wong got married, pregnant and divorced. We watched how the economy turned sour.

We learnt from reality bites. We fussed, cried, got drunk, sang, praised for true love or career or whatsoever we craved for or we kept searching. We realised “MARRIAGE IS NOT FOUR BARE LEGS IN A BED” or maybe “ALL PERFECT MEN WERE GAY” or “PERFECT MARRIAGE = YOUNG HUSBAND + OLD WIFE”. We were older but wiser, more anxious but stronger. In addition to sons/daughters, some of us have started playing more roles: We became husbands/wives, fathers/mothers or even divorcee.

It was our golden decade. “We live the lives we choose. We fight and never lose for we were young and sure to have our ways”.

If we are still young (at heart), we will have our ways.

A FOND FAREWELL – LESLIE WILL NEVER GROW OLD

I was washing dishes in the kitchen while I found Leslie’s smiling face on TV. I have been his fan since I was a kid. It was a piece of incredible news that made me want to call somebody. “Is there anyone I should call? “I kept thinking as if one of my relatives/friends has passed away. My autistic younger brother, Peter, a fan too will never comprehend this and it will be cruel to do so.

He went to Mandarin Hong Kong on purpose! He was suffering relationship/emotional problem? Love is so scary that it makes everything possible/impossible or shall I replace the word “love” with “depression”? Scary is human beings’ attitude towards anything which grants us licences to save/kill!

“When one door is closed, another is opened.” Then the entertainment industry/CD shops/record companies will earn “quick money” in addition to those supplying/selling N95/8210/3M face masks, boosting the dying economy in Hong Kong. While some people rush to pharmacy, others will run to CD shops. Leslie has closed his own door.

“Like beautiful women, the world isn’t allowed to watch heroes growing old” a famous Chinese saying or a curse, in fact. Leslie will never grow old. He will always be “Handsome Go Go”.

Being a perfectionist, that is what Leslie wants?

普天同慶時百感交雜後逃出生天

傷風感冒時人如騰雲駕霧，昏昏欲睡，想起小時候吃的成藥，名字叫「幸福」，幹嘛不叫甚麼「靈」甚麼「治」？一吃之後非睡不可，難道在傷風時有藥可吃，睡得不醒人事、印證小病是福而得名？或是有病已經辛苦，所以改個好名字來沖喜一下？

「幸福」的感覺和傷風感冒差不多，輕飄飄、頭暈暈，腦用不了，憑心行事，近年推出無睡意配方，沒有了睡意那還幸不幸福？是不是無睡意就頭腦清醒，好認清了幸福後，抓緊抓得到的，捨棄抓不著的？

- 別以為生在普天同慶的日子（筆者生在節禮日），人家一定能記住您的生日，老實告訴您沒那回事！自從發現自己患有「聖誕抑鬱症」之後，斷定「聖誕」與「快樂」或「生日」與「快樂」根本不一定能走在一起，如果每天都快樂，無需特別強調聖誕或生日會快樂！人家沒責任記住自己的生日、喜惡，有人記著是一種福分噢！沒有人有對您好的必要，親人朋友如是，如果有請好好珍惜，因為幸福非必然！

- 過了兩個聖誕，明白P 和我現階段只能是好朋友，去年傷心了一場還是在死胡同賴著不走，今年歷史重演（「聖誕抑鬱症」患者總要在普天同慶時別樹一格！）。

想起「甜心先生」的對白「如果你愛一個人直至自己透不過氣，他就會愛你。」以為皇天不負有心人，漸漸習慣了等待和失望，當愛變成習慣之後，開始相信沒有 P 不能活；每一次都奮不顧身對著愛河一躍而下，才發現自己不懂游泳，所以每一次都幾乎淹死，好不容易逃出生天，發現從沒看清河上風景，才知道那不過是海市蜃樓。

「為甚麼他們都不愛我？」我問好友們。
「因為他們不配擁有你，所以你會遇到更好的。」
「既然你和他做朋友的時候最開心，為甚麼不能回到過去？人往往都急於找答案，有些事、尤其感情事欲速則不達，何不趁機看清楚身邊的風景？」我記著她們說的話，豁然開朗。

從來我只用我自己的方式愛P ，想盡辦法討他歡心，原來他滿足現狀，原來一個人愛不愛我不是因為我為他做了甚麼，到我筋竭力疲，以淚洗「眼」才看清楚，這分明是經濟學的供求關係﹕供過於求，物價下降，供不應求，物罕為貴，一段良好的關係是相互的愛比相互的要求為多。

我還是過了一個有意思的聖誕節。